A long talk with a dear friend and I find myself conflicted.  How is it possible that I can have the same feelings more than 10 years later? And why can I so clearly remember a kiss that made me swoon and he felt nothing? In my fantasies my friend and my boyfriend are so often exchanged that I've had to ask myself if that could be considered cheating. It doesn't help that they happen to have the same name.

Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? You know where the road leads & I know damn well you remember it clearly. The friendship is great and the phone sex is awesome, but that's all its ever going to be. 

I know its just a little play time. Its not like I wasn't listening when he said he wasn't attracted to me. I can accept that and I've moved past it.

Bullshit. If that were true it wouldn't have been bittersweet when he said in a way Kristen is the you he had hoped you could be. Damn girl, stop trying to lie to the rest of us! We know better.

So what the fuck do you want me to do?!? Avoid the guy who knows me better than anybody? If I do, then I'm running from getting hurt and I was under the impression we were trying to confront the fear....

There's a difference between confronting fear and a masochistic need for emotional pain. No one is saying to fuck off on Matt. That would just be an asshole thing to do to someone who's never been anything but our friend. However, you do need to allow the past to remain in the past.

I'm sorry have you not been paying attention? I let the emotion wash over, subside, and get on with life.

No, you're not. You're too busy stuck at 16 to notice that we're not in high school anymore. The man has a child and we probably shouldn't be around kids. What the hell is wrong with you? There's no reason to attempt to single handedly fuck up what we've spent YEARS to correct.

I am so sick of this shit. For fuck's sake will you all stop bitching? Its not getting us anywhere, your scaring the kids, and its making my head hurt. We and Matt have a chemistry... there's nothing wrong with that. We have a history and trying to bury it or pretend it never happened is assinine. Ladies and gentlemen, we are 28 years old. By now we should have learned that emotions, much like life, are complicated. It fucking happens. Here's a suggestion.... why not drop the fucked up expectations, the pity parties that go along with it, and enjoy the friendship for what it is? Its understanding, coffee, bullshit sessions, and once in a while helping each other get off. There's no reason to have a crisis over this people. Could we please put on our big girl panties and move it the fuck along?