I was tired hours ago but sleep doesn't seem to want to find me. Been spending time locked in my mind, missing the current great love f my life. If I was ever out of the waiting place, December did a wonderful job of throwing me back there. I'm not looking forward to spending Yule, Christmas, or New Year's alone. Matt's been gone for 5-6 months now. There were grand plans to see each other over the holidays but I just can't see that happening now. We sit with far too many miles between, reaching across the distance with keyboards and light. Its bittersweet to wake up to a message on my screen. I'm so happy that he took the time say hello, to send a hug, say he loves me. On the other hand I'm angry for not having been awake to chat. Its amazing and a little scary how tightly I'll hang on to words. These days I'm more likely to read a conversation than speak one. *sigh* I'm tired of missing, worrying, being angry, wondering, of long nights alone... of starving for physical contact and not being able to get it from who I want it from. Fuck the holidays and fuck the IRS. The only thing I want is to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms knowing that I'm wanted and loved. I can't keep writing this tonight. I'm too angry, too tired, and can barely see through the tears. Maybe it'll be better after a good cry and some sleep. |