Its been a long, odd day. I've been confused and depressed while fighting off the break down. So here's my problem... I have three very different opinions about my/our boyfriend and I don't know how to get them to come to any kind of agreement.
The first wants this more than anything. "I have a right to this, a right to be loved... to be happy. Stop trying to take my happiness!"
The second is begging to be rescued. "While I don't want to hurt him, he's not able to accept all of us. By rejecting parts of me, he rejects the whole of me. Every time I say I love him it feels like a lie. I'm living a lie. This is destroying me... I cannot keep going on like this."
The third wants to be left alone. "If someone is destroying themselves and they have no intention of stopping, the only thing you can do is walk away. It may not make it easier but at least you don't have a front row seat to the destruction. It doesn't look like I plan on walking anytime soon."
So I spend time at April's and face the thoughts, the knowledge, that I don't want to face. In a few days I'll go home, stare at my computer screen for a while, then sleep for days. Its easier to escape in dream than to continue the fight inside me. I go to my therapist and tell her I'm not sure my relationship is going to last. I rarely explain why.
There doesn't seem to be any middle ground for me to stand on and out of fear of hurting Matt, I haven't told him any of this. I believe its cruel to create that type of fear in a man who is already emotionally unstable. On the other hand I live fractured, emotionally crippled in my own right... if I break any more at best I'll find myself back in a hospital. At worst I'll become homeless, then out of the depression of losing everything I'll kill myself.
So I find myself at an impasse, opting for silence when I should be bearing my soul to Matt . Instead of chatting about my fears, the very deep and very real depression before me, I say I'm fine while we talk about the weather. Anything more than surface, than shallow pleasantries, seems like too much to bear for both of us. I ask again, how long will I let this go on? How much longer will you continue to live this lie? I say that I'm happy, things will be different when he gets back, I'm in love, its not a lie, its my turn to be happy damn it so let me have this. Sadly I sigh as I tell myselves to stop fighting. We know this relationship isn't right but if I'm not willing to listen, then there's nothing to be done. All we can do is let it be and hope I'm willing to hear later on.
Usually by this time I feel drained, angry, lonely, and profoundly sad. Since I can't seem to find a compromise, I go to sleep. At least in sleep I don't have to be aware of the inner war.