Sometimes I read a story and can't help but be angry at its fairy tale ending. Sometimes I wonder if there's an inherent evil in my genetic make up that made James and Judith unable to love me. At the end, all Benson wanted was to get the fuck away from me. I know the only reason he's not here is because he doesn't want to be. Why is it the men I've called dad seem to find it so easy to toss me away?

Honestly Jennifer, you're a little old for 'daddy doesn't love me.'

James & Judith never loved me... didn't really want me once I was born and it was discovered that I was a girl. I was used to keep Judith in a home, to keep a husband paying the bills. To James I was nothing but a sex toy. A girl can't carry on a family name and is only useful as a servant. My foundations tell me that I am only ever as good as what I can offer.

In the dark I cry and I scream and beg but there's no one to hear me. Its just as well. There isn't much to say. Seven voices seeking approval, forgiveness, love. Needing it on a scale no human can supply. Seven people walking around lost, looking outside for what they can't find inside.

Dawn will come and in the daylight this will all seem far away, almost a different lifetime... but the dark always returns and in the quiet I'll find myself here again, crying in anger over happy endings while searching for what no one can give.

Much earlier in my process I heard these songs. For a moment they were a balm on a bruised heart but time wiped them from my memory. Today I was reading a piece called  "Molestation, Matthew 18, and Magnolia". Funny how life finds a way to remind me of the songs I should remember to sing to myself.

I can't get into the head space to clean. I'm worried about the cone procedure on Friday and not looking forward to finding out what's being changed in my lease. I'm hiding out, trying to force myself to go through the motions and its not working well. I suppose on the bright side I've managed to take a shower every other day and I haven't forgotten to take my meds. Baby steps that hardly seem to make a difference.

I don't go in depth about my religious beliefs. For years I've been afraid that I couldn't stand up to the challenging of what I hold dear. By special request I'm breaking my silence and hoping to hell I can hold my own.

I call myself pagan for lack of a better term. About 18 years ago I created my own religion and fleshed it out as time has gone by. A lot has been taken from older beliefs so you may see themes you already know.

I believe all the universe was born from the coupling of the first Goddess and her Consort. Long after its birth, it became unstable. She realized four things were missing from the design, then sang into being the final four realms to hold the elements required. I won't pretend to know what all those things were. I think one of them was Love and I'm sure without question the third was Hope. To protect these worlds and ensure their survival, she gave birth to the Watchers. The first Goddess died with this act, giving her energy to stir the beginnings of life in their creation.

A few centuries passed and the Watchers saw they were unable to guide the realms alone. In their desperation they combined their energies and brought into being the Dragons. A separate season and corresponding power was granted to four of them. The fifth was created to maintain the balance between the four. When he chose to create chaos, threating the existence of the realms, a Watcher brought to him the amplified torture of a child from her world. It was hidden in an orb and presented as a gift. As the Dragon grabbed the orb, he experienced the child's life as his own. Screaming in the pain of it he fell from the Darkened Light into the Seas of Time forever lost.

If nothing else, it makes for a good story.

I don't believe the Goddess ever truly died. Energy, much like the soul, only changes form. She's been known by many names- Gaia, Isis, Mary, Kali Ma just to name a few. Each depicts a different aspect of the whole. The Goddess is eternal while Her Consort dies and is reborn. I celebrate each equinox and solstice for His death and rebirth. In the cycle I find hope that we return; that this is not all there is.

I've created my own versions of the Goddess in the forms of Caffeinea and Employa. They started as a joke and turned into much more.

Caffeinea is the Goddess of coffee and all other caffeinated beverages. Through her coupling with Java we have the gift of coffee. Attributed to Her is consciousness, alertness, sobriety, clarity of thought, friendship, and council. I keep a depiction of Her above my coffee maker (it would be the proper alter) and say a prayer to her as I fix each cup. As a side note I personally believe Starbucks to be blasphemy but to each their own.

Employa is the Goddess of gainful employment. By Her blessing the jobless do not remain so for long. Also attributed to Her are timely raises, promotions, a lack of asshole supervisors, overtime with time and a half near holidays, and workdays that do not cause one to want to rip their hair out. To the faithful she offers a cubical with a view of the window.

I don't see casting spells much different than prayer. Opposed to miracles, spells work through natural means. They require great will, desire, and clear intent. Because of this one has to think through what they want and the consequences of it. Nothing happens without an equal exchange.

With all of that said (and damn it was a lot) I think the Gods and Goddesses of every religion are explanations of the whole. We've split a main entity into male and female so its easier for us to understand. No religion sees the whole, making everybody right and everybody wrong.

A long talk with a dear friend and I find myself conflicted.  How is it possible that I can have the same feelings more than 10 years later? And why can I so clearly remember a kiss that made me swoon and he felt nothing? In my fantasies my friend and my boyfriend are so often exchanged that I've had to ask myself if that could be considered cheating. It doesn't help that they happen to have the same name.

Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? You know where the road leads & I know damn well you remember it clearly. The friendship is great and the phone sex is awesome, but that's all its ever going to be. 

I know its just a little play time. Its not like I wasn't listening when he said he wasn't attracted to me. I can accept that and I've moved past it.

Bullshit. If that were true it wouldn't have been bittersweet when he said in a way Kristen is the you he had hoped you could be. Damn girl, stop trying to lie to the rest of us! We know better.

So what the fuck do you want me to do?!? Avoid the guy who knows me better than anybody? If I do, then I'm running from getting hurt and I was under the impression we were trying to confront the fear....

There's a difference between confronting fear and a masochistic need for emotional pain. No one is saying to fuck off on Matt. That would just be an asshole thing to do to someone who's never been anything but our friend. However, you do need to allow the past to remain in the past.

I'm sorry have you not been paying attention? I let the emotion wash over, subside, and get on with life.

No, you're not. You're too busy stuck at 16 to notice that we're not in high school anymore. The man has a child and we probably shouldn't be around kids. What the hell is wrong with you? There's no reason to attempt to single handedly fuck up what we've spent YEARS to correct.

I am so sick of this shit. For fuck's sake will you all stop bitching? Its not getting us anywhere, your scaring the kids, and its making my head hurt. We and Matt have a chemistry... there's nothing wrong with that. We have a history and trying to bury it or pretend it never happened is assinine. Ladies and gentlemen, we are 28 years old. By now we should have learned that emotions, much like life, are complicated. It fucking happens. Here's a suggestion.... why not drop the fucked up expectations, the pity parties that go along with it, and enjoy the friendship for what it is? Its understanding, coffee, bullshit sessions, and once in a while helping each other get off. There's no reason to have a crisis over this people. Could we please put on our big girl panties and move it the fuck along?